I made a journal from old note cards the other day. It was easy to create. I just used my hole punch and ribbon to tie it together. I created it because I’m doing a manifesting challenge with Heather Lynn of Rock Your Mud. I’m manifesting a beach house to live in.
But there’s a much bigger story here and I will get to it eventually, I promise, but first some backstory.
For the past six months (probably longer if I’m really truthful) I’ve been struggling on many levels. Back in September, when I finally allowed the truth in — that I needed a job to bring actual money into our budget — I also had to accept that the reason I had to get a job is because my business hadn’t taken off as I’d envisioned it doing.
As you may remember, I now work for Canada’s best airline, WestJet. But oh my god, it hasn’t been an easy transition into the workforce. I won’t get into that today, but suffice it to say that I was completely overwhelmed and had to make a difficult decision — to put my business aside until I knew if I did or didn’t want to continue it.
Fast forward through oceans of tears, seemingly bottomless pits of despair, droves of helping hands in the form of the best hubby ever, trauma counselling sessions, journaling through the chakras, support from my amazing leaders at work, lots of great talks with friends, and getting my various Wild Child selves to work together instead of against me — I am feeling lit up by life again.
(Teen Kathy, as I call my recently discover Wild Child from my loneliest and most depressed years, wants to shut this whole blog down right this moment, because how do I know that the spark isn’t going to fizzle out?)
The life light has come to me as tiny sparks. In my more consciously awakened state, I recently asked the universe if it would be best to close down my website because why keep something going I’m not using. I decide to wait for a answers instead of acting on a whim. Signs abound:
• I get an email from the retreat space I booked for October asking if I still want to reserve • a post from a facebook group quickens my heart and I find myself commenting for the first time in weeks, maybe months, in that group • after years of resisting it, suddenly Instagram grabs my attention and I see its value • another facebook friend does live painting on facebook and my li’l kacky is bouncing with excitement because she wants to paint with her fingers too, which reminds me there is a connection between writing and art therapies I want to explore with her — and here I am, excited about possibilities again.
If I believed in signs… haha… that was the name of my last blog. Hello!
In all of this breaking down and going inward into death of the old, through to building up, accepting, renewing (and now hopefully re-emerging), I have had made some profound discoveries and progress in my life. I’ve discovered many, many things that can no longer be denied and I want to share a couple...
This journaler needs to journal by typing
I sink better into flow when I’m typing versus handwriting. I know, right?! I’ve always encouraged you to use a pen and that’s what I’ve done forever, but as a writer for hire, I just got so used to connecting to flow through the keyboard. Now that I don’t do either as a business, I’m feeling fingers to keys is the natural way to go — for me, for now. I had to discover that for the 487th time, but this time I’m just gonna go with it. (As I write those words, I have a tinge of remorse for my gorgeous journal cover, but I'm done with never...)
By the way, I still believe that if you’re not a natural writer or you haven’t journaled before, applying pen to paper is the best way to find flow. You can switch at any time if you can find flow with a keyboard. Of course, it’s always your choice how you journal. Always.
I struggle with the word grateful
It makes me feel like I’m hearing the word ‘SHOULD’ with an adult and a pointed finger towering over me that makes li’l kacky feel fear and shame and that teen kathy rebels against. Memories, mostly of my mother. Gratitude is a nebulous concept that seems limited to me somehow.
I’m now full-on switched to my preferred ‘thank-full’. Thank-full ties in with my need to feel full and satiated with self-love instead of stuffing myself with food to numb the pain of not feeling worthy of love. To thank is active — the act of expressing my thank-full-ness by using words I write or say.
Hopefully that makes some sense to you all. It does to me and that’s probably the most important as I’m the one doing it. 😉
So, what does all this mean?
Bowing to teen kathy and her need for certainty, I say, I have no idea where this is taking me, and whether tomorrow all these sparks could indeed be stomped out. But, I do know that for the first time in six months I want to get back out there and help again.
While I totally suck at it, it’s okay not to know
Time and distance has given me perspective. You know that experiment done with kids with marshmallows that supposedly predicts their success potential? I’m the instant gratification type. I want the marshmallow because I want to know what’s going to happen, I want the sweetness, NOW! Being unsure scares me, which is why I’ve struggled so mightily these past six months. In fact, in my last session with my trauma counsellor (I now consider myself graduated, but will go back for tuneups), that was what we talked about. Needing to know where my life was leading me.
Heads up peeps! No one knows the future, not even psychics. We can only envision where we want to be — or fear to be.
Okay, if you believe as I do, your soul knows, because everything was been divinely planned and timed before we arrived, at soul level we do know the future. But with our souls tethered in our human bodies, all we can do is set our sights on a vision of where we want to be or what we want. Even if we can’t see the end point of forest because the trees are in the way, we can remember that vision of where we want to be or what we want — and start walking one step at a time. So pick a path and start heading in that direction. You’ll end up where you need to be anyway.
Which is why my manifesting topic was to find a beach house to live in. I need to start somewhere. I need to believe it can be done by acting as if I’m already there. I need to put one foot in front of the other and start walking.
Doing the work of feeling my beach house so deeply with all my senses has unblocked other things too. It still feels like my path is to help people find purpose and peace and journaling has helped me find a whole lot of both of those.
So, I’m walking, mostly blindly, through a forest that seems unending.
I have no freaking idea where my life is leading me and for the first time that does not make me want to crawl under the covers and take a nap (my other go-to way of dealing). Well, it sort of does, but that’s also okay.
What I’m actually doing is walking along what appears to be a path, noticing the markers along the way.
Today feels like a milestone marker kind of day. The idea of helping people through journaling no longer makes my guts churn. I see possibilities. If I go back to it, will I do it differently with the benefit of hindsight?
kathy mercure is a storyhealer, storylistener, and storyteller. Her life’s work is to gently draw stories from her students to help them find their voice and nurture their Wounded Wild Child through journaling. Her passion is to support women in realizing their true identity as Wild Women, claiming their passions, and speaking their truths as they become their most authentic selves. (Photo by EagleSpirit Soul Shots)